She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
