drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
