I wish I could punch you in the face.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
