if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Randomize
