All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
