No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
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