Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
