My friends, they love my intelligence
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
