awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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