im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
