If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
