Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
