You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
