so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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