Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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