Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
