She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
