Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
