THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
