If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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