Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
