i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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