Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Randomize
