Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
