hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
