i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
