Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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