I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
