Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
He had one of those small greek statue penises
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
