If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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