I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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