omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
