We're like a lot better than the average bears
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
