She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
