When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
