We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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