Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
