I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
