There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
