she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
