at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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