Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
