i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
