I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
