You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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