sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
