new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
