I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
