I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
