oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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