Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
