I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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