I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Randomize
