Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
