My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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