Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
