my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
