I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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