i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
