Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
