I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize